Excerpts from the Diary of a Fool

Then - and now........

2007-03-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

(…) let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your heart (Kahlil Gibran)

My first love, at age 16, was secret, forbidden, unrequited and, in the end, utterly heartbreaking. It was such a desperate, hopeless, lonely, all-consuming experience. I thought I was in uncharted territory. I did not know, at the time, that many of my sisters had ventured down this road before me. My ignorance of this history made me believe that I was totally alone. I did not know who my heroines were. I had no guides, no role models, no one to learn from. Flashing back on that early experience, I find the pain still fresh and I find myself wanting to weep

Being in love, at age 66, is a totally different affair (literally and figuratively)! First of all, there is no “falling in love” this time around. I have walked into this relationship with the acquired wisdom of my last 50 years, eyes wide open, knowing and anticipating the promise, the challenges and the pitfalls, the joy and the pain, the give and the take, that are all part of it. I have learned long ago that I cannot look to someone else to make me feel whole and complete - I am and will continue to be 100% responsible for my own physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. The beginning of this new relationship actually came as a surprise to me. I have been feeling happy and at peace within myself, and have been enjoying the friendship of many women. At first I was uncertain whether I even wanted to open myself up to a “significant other” at age 66. In the end, I have decided to go with it, and now I find this new person in my life does bring me additional joy. And it is a cause for celebration, at least within my community of lesbian sisters, and hopefully among my heterosexual friends and family members as well.

Twenty Blessings

2007-02-19T11:57:00.000-08:00

Spring comes earlier here in Victoria than it did in Prince George or Lillooet. There are new buds and shoots and even flowers starting to show up everywhere. The excitement of new growth and the promise of a glorious new season are in the air. I have run across a poem that says it all. The beautiful words somehow soften, at least in the moment, the serious threat of global warming. So here's to our mother, Nature, and to all of you whom I love: "Twenty Blessings"

May Venus shine through your window.
May cats wind themselves around your legs.
May you hear bitterns boom in the reeds.
May your friends write you letters.
May you walk through waves on the shore.
May dogs roll their eyes at you.
May the Moon's magic re-create you.
May you sit with stones at your back.
May butterflies fly in your garden.
May you hear the sound of geese at sunset.
May you always sing in harmony.
May foxgloves grow tall around you.
May grass grow short at your feet
May you heal the world with your touch.
May you remember the flight of the Golden Plover.
May you be filled with joy at sunrise.
May your crops be plentiful.
May you walk in the cool of the day.
May daisies decorate your room.
May all shadows be made by bright sunshine.
May silence give you peace.

(Sue Richards)

"Your children are not your children...."

2007-02-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. (Kahlil Gibran)

Twenty-three years ago, when my partner and I decided to have a child, I knew my life would not/could not go on as before. Being gay parents, a quarter of a century ago, was more of a challenge, for both parents and children, than it is today in these somewhat more open and accepting times. There were many hard times when we were faced with homophobic reactions and behavior because of our lifestyle. At times we experienced fear and uncertainty as a result of our own internalized homophobia. Our son had these experiences as well.

Although I was not the biological parent of our son, loving and raising and caring for this child has made me a parent in all other senses of the word. I have learned so much from being a parent; my son has taught me so much about life, about love, about selflessness, about courage – lessons I might never have learned without him. It is my hope and expectation that he has learned such lessons from me as well.

I am also learning that parenthood does not stop once s child becomes an adult. It was a heartbreaking time for both of us when I left Prince George. I had to recognize that my son was now an adult and it was time for us to go our separate ways. He had his own life ahead of him and I had the rest of my life ahead of me. But the bond remains as strong as ever.

Today, I received a card from my son that touched my very soul. When I saw how he was able to think and feel and express love and tenderness and gratitude, I knew that we, his parents, had raised a beautiful soul. He wrote:

Thank you.
Thank you for being there when I was sad.
Thank you for raising me who I am.
Thank you for teaching me.
Thank you for trusting me.
Thank you for everything you bought, gave and fed me.
Thank you for respecting me and my space.
Thank you for empowering me.
But most of all thank you for loving me.
It always makes me smile when you call and leave a sweet message.
And, although I don’t return them right away,
Know that I love you very much and think about you always.
Love. Your son.

I had a dream....

2007-01-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

“The Chinese philosopher awakened with a start, for he had been dreaming that he was a butterfly. And for the rest of his days, he did not know whether he was a Chinese philosopher who had dreamed he was a butterfly, or a butterfly who was now dreaming that he was a Chinese philosopher.” (Chuang-Tze)

I am one of those people who has vivid dreams almost every night. I adhere to the Jungian philosophy regarding dreams, i.e. that they arise from our subconscious or unconscious mind, that they are revealing of our inner thoughts and processes, and that they can be interpreted in ways that will benefit us in our daily lives.

My most significant dreams are the recurring ones, along four different themes. In my “claustrophobia dream”, I find myself physically trapped in a narrow, lightless, airless space from which I struggle desperately and futilely to escape. In my “convent dream”, I relive the angst I went through when I was in the process of abandoning the convent and religious life to which I had committed myself. In my “bear dream”, I experience the terror of being chased or hunted by a bear. I find my very life to be in danger and yet there is no means of escape. All three of these recurring dreams have a nightmarish quality, which haunts me for several days after the dream. Yet, they compel me to recognize and acknowledge some unresolved issue in my life, and to take some concrete steps towards dealing with the issue in question.

In my fourth recurring dream, I am able to levitate, and even fly, at will. In the dream, I experience freedom from gravity and have the ability to transport myself through the air with feelings of incredible lightness and swiftness. In some of the dreams, I attempt to keep my amazing ability a secret, and I must be very careful not to trip, stumble, burp, fart, hiccup or sneeze, as any of these actions can cause me to leave the ground and reveal my secret to others. This dream leaves me with a wonderful feeling of peace and serenity, even bliss, which I can hold on to and savor for several days after the dream. This recurring dream literally “brings me to my senses”, inspiring me with the “courage to be” and to live fully and joyfully in the present moment.

Tempus fugit

2007-01-01T12:59:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is, the first day of 2007. Yes, tempus fugit. Time flies! But where does it go?

Many years ago, I read a book called Momo by Michael Ende. It was a story built around the fantasy that time could be saved - just like money. I would love to find and reread this book, now long out of print. I think the story is a powerful and provocative statement about what life is really all about.

We humans have the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation, creating within ourselves an endless preoccupation with the past and the future: the past which gives us our identity and the future which holds the promise of some form of fulfillment. With this focus, we live in a perpetual state of discontent and unease.

We often talk about “saving time”. We have an obsessive need to “arrive”, to “get there”, to “make it” We speed up, increase efficiency, take shortcuts, multi-task, etc. all in an effort to “save time” so as to be able to enjoy life at some point in the future. And in so doing we lose something very precious. Time is life itself and the more we strive to “save time” the less we experience the present moment. The more “clock time” we save, the less “psychological time” we have to spare.

An hour can seem like eternity or it can pass in a flash, but the reality is that I can no more prolong a moment of delight or speed up an unpleasant or painful event than I can hold a sunray or a moonbeam in my hand.

The concept of time (past, future) is illusory. There is no time machine that allows us to go back and undo the past or go ahead to pre-arrange the future. Life only happens now. It does not happen in the past or in the future. Life is now. In the final analysis, all there is to life is here, now, in this present fleeting moment.

This perspective of time leaves me with a feeling of timelessness, of serenity. More and more I focus on living right now. No matter what, I know I can be happy, I can cope, I have all I ever need or want - right here, right NOW.

OUT words

2006-12-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

“The hushing up of who we have been leaves us no history of ourselves as a people. We don’t know who our heroines were, who of us rebelled in spectacular ways, who lived in long fruitful relationships. We have no role models to point to, no one to learn from. Being without a history makes each of us believe that she is alone, that the terrain of lesbianism is new uncharted territory which she must learn to navigate on her own by herself.”

These words were written by Colette Reid in 1976. She was speaking to and about those of us who grew up in the 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s. (Younger lesbian women have had an easier time of it, in today’s world where the gay lifestyle is more generally recognized.)

In my early years, I did find myself “travelling through uncharted territory” and I did feel totally alone. My first act as a lesbian at age 12 was a defining moment that set the course for the rest of my life. At about that same time I realized that I could not and would not follow the path of marriage and motherhood as all the females around me were doing. I shunned all the trappings of femininity and, consequently, as a young teenager I was a recluse and an outcast among my peers and a cause of consternation for my mother, my older sister, my aunts, and other women.

Then I read about nuns who lived in religious communities. I saw them as asexual beings who had managed to escape the lot of most women and who had a sure ticket to heaven. At age 15, I entered the convent and became a nun. I naively believed I was entering a “community of women” where I could, at last, be free to be myself. Little did I know at the time, that I was entering the very heart of patriarchy where women were totally subservient to men, and where love among women, other than as “sisters in Christ”, was taboo. For me, life in the convent was soul-destroying; it literally drove me crazy.

I left the convent after 12 years. I spent the next several years going in and out of psychiatric wards and mental hospitals. I will spare you the details of my prolonged depression, self-mutilation, and suicide attempts and the prescribed treatment of the day: locked wards, electric shock treatment, aversive therapy, psychotropic drugs.

In the early 70s, I happened to come across a book about “women loving women”. At last I had a name for myself! I was a lesbian! There were others like me! It felt like coming home! I began to search for other women like myself. In 1980, I moved to Victoria which, even then, was known as a mecca for lesbians. It was amazing – they were all around me.

I spent the next 25 years living as an “out” lesbian in a heterosexual world. Many of my adventures during that time have yet to be told. Now I have come full circle. I am back in Victoria where I spend time in “the company of women”. Every Wednesday, here in Victoria, I meet with a group of women. We are, for the most part, veteran lesbians. We have been in the war zone and each of us has our battle scars and war stories.

“Yes, we do carry the scars and pain of old wounds, but we are visionaries who believe fiercely in the power of the spirit to heal and transform ourselves and the world”.

Lesbian Erotica

2006-12-15T17:34:00.000-08:00

Enough of all that serious stuff! A poet I am not but I do write poetry once in a while. This following piece is meant to be read aloud. Have fun with it. Caveat emptor!

You fickle my tansy
You turl my coes
You make my tyes winkle
And so it goes!

You thruzzle my noat
You skick my lin
You make my thrody bemble
Again and again!

You nite my beck
You thoke my strighs
You make my tum bickle
Moans and sighs!

You liss my kips
You bruck my seasts
You make my tunt kingle
And that's the best!

You sind my fenter
You houch my tart
You make my houl sappy
Let's never part!

Surprised by Joy

2006-12-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

During a long period of my life, I was crippled by feelings of despair and hopelessness. Life did not seem to be worth living. Happiness, for me, was both illusive and elusive, as I suffered through my long "dark night of the soul". At times I did find a certain fleeting pleasure and fulfillment in my acquisitions and achievements, but I was always searching for a deeper and lasting joy

In the past several years, I have been, to borrow a phrase from C.S. Lewis, "surprised by joy" arising from deep within myself. I realize now that, unknowingly, I was preparing for joy each time I spoke my truths, cared for myself, expanded my knowledge, nurtured my friendships, allowed others to love me, took on new adventures, and went where my heart led me.

For the most part I am now living in joy, and I anticipate each day with feelings of contentment, peace, serenity, and well-being. And there are those occasional peak moments full of bliss when I transcend myself and my spirit feels connected, however briefly, to the great spirit of the universe. Living in joy does not preclude pain and suffering. But it helps me believe that I can and will retain my strength and courage in the face of whatever adverse circumstances may come my way.

I believe that joy is a state of mind that can and must be cultivated and nurtured. Although at times it can come upon one spontaneously, there are attitudes and practices that are conducive to joy; it is important to live with an awareness of and openness to the possibility of joy. In concrete terms, this means: accepting who I am and what I have; letting go of guilt, regret, or nostalgia about the past as well as anxiety, dread, or longing about the future; coming to terms with my own mortality and the puzzle of my own existence; enhancing my physical health and well being through physical exercise and nourishing foods; protecting the environment in whatever small ways I can; appreciating my daily experiences, encounters, surroundings; doing,literally, "random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty".

Hello from Victoria

2006-12-11T09:02:00.001-08:00

My sister, Gladys, shortly before her passing, gave me a cheque to buy myself a birthday gift. Her suggestion was: "Buy a tree and plant some roots." She was concerned about me because, in the previous several years, I had moved from job to job and place to place. I think she would have been happy that, a few months later, I landed a job in Prince George, where I stayed for 25 years. I retired in January 2004, and in December 2004 I moved to Lillooet, B.C. After 15 months in Lillooet, I knew that I wanted something more than this isolated community had to offer, but had no idea where to go from there. Moreover, I did not think I had the resources, emotional or financial, for yet another move. Then I went on a trip to Costa Rica. There were many aspects of life in Costa Rica that appealed to me, and I thought that might be a good place for me to live. So I sold most of my belongings, packed up, and headed off to Costa Rica.

In Costa Rica, I met some memorable people, spent some precious time with my nephew, Colin, experienced some unforgettable adventures, wandered the amazing beaches. But I did not stay for very long. In the end, after considerable thought and anguish, I came to accept that one needs to be tough-skinned (literally) to live in Costa Rica and that life there, for me, would require more than I was prepard to give at this point in my life. My two greatest challenges were the relentlessly itchy insect bites, and the high heat and humidity. I had some concerns about my personal safety, and I was terrified the first night I spent on my own in my jungle house with “all the things that go bump in the night”. It did not take me long to realize how much I appreciated my creature comforts and the quality of life I enjoyed in Canada, and so I made my way back home.

I realize now that my decison to move to Costa Rica was, typically for me, impulsive and dramatic. Yet I have no regrets. It is part of my process. It gave me the time and distance to re-evaluate many aspects of my life. It helped me loosen the emotional and financial ties that kept me in Lillooet. I came back to Canada with a new plan to move to Victoria. I had planned to live in Victoria where I spent 12 months 25 years ago. I never did find a job there, but I was with my sister during the last year of her life and, for that, I am forever thankful.

Through my Costa Rica experience, I have come to realize, more fully than ever before, just how many people love and care for me, each in their own nonjudgmental way. I am so grateful to all of these loved ones: my nephew Colin, my son Jeremy, my sister Elaine, my nieces Laverne and Colleen, my friends Ethel, Fran, Deb, Book, and Linda.

So here I am starting anew in Victoria. Stay tuned for more excerpts from the diary of a fool.

Excerpts from the Diary of a Fool

2006-12-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog. Many years ago, I had decided that if/when I wrote my autobiography or memoirs, I would entitle it Excerpts from the Diary of a Fool. At this point, I am not likely to write either, so this blog may be the best opportunity to play around with that title.

The archetype of the Fool has always appealed to m ever since I first encountered this character in Shakespeare's and the Tarot. The Fool enbodies both innocence (even naivete) and wisdom. Life has not always been easy for the Fool. She is a misfit because she follows a different path ("the road less travelled") and "marches to the beat of a different drum". These propensities have often left the Fool feeling alone, separate, isolated, distant, rootless, and driven to craziness. She is a will-of-the-wisp, akin to the wayward wind and the tumbling tumbleweed. She makes life-altering decisions which appear to be whimsical, ill-advised, impulsive, counter-intuitive. She wanders the highways and byways of life with seeming insouciance and carelessness. Somehow she survives the pitfalls, stumbles, and somersaults into which her foolhardiness often leads her, and manages to land on her feet. She is an iconoclast. She travels along, questioning answers, upsetting cliches, exploring forbidden territory, challenging taboos. She sees that the Emperor has no clothes on and voices this unpopular observation to the unwilling crowd. In her later years, she becomes almost predictable in her unpredictability, acquires some degree of wisdom and is even surprised by joy.

This is the image of self that I have tried, paradoxically, for most of my life, to both live up to and distance myself from. At this point in time, I have come to some degree of acceptance. I now understand that there are many roads but only one journey. Upon entering the stream of life, each one of us has the responsibility to create meaning in our own life, to solve the riddle of our existence, to attain a certain level of awareness, to give our own unique gift to the world. It is then time to surrender our individual spirit once again to the great spirit, the universal energy that sustains the universe.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

2006-05-26T08:16:00.000-07:00

"It takes a fierce devotion to grow old well. It takes a fierce devotion to the word goodbye - learning how to say it in many ways - fiercely, yes, but also gently, with laughter, with tears, but, no matter how, to say it every time so that there's no doubt you mean it. When you're pushing 60, the rest of your life is about saying goodbye. Your greatest work may yet be demanded of you (though odds are against that). You may find more true love, meet new good friends, and there's always beauty (if you have an eye for it), and fun (if you have the spirit) - still, no matter what, slowly, you must say goodbye, a little bit every day to everything." (Michael Ventura, Across the Great Divide)

Today is Friday. I leave for Costa Rica next Tuesday. When I made my first trip to Costa Rica in early April, the goodbyes were easy enough - I would be back in a couple of weeks and my day-to-day life and connections would go on as before. There is something much more poignant and lonely in the goodbyes I am saying now. I am saying goodbye to some people knowing that our ties are too tenuous to survive the challenges of distance and time . I am saying goodbye to others, family and friends, feeling assured that our deeper connection will be enduring. But it is goodbye none the less.

I cannot say how deeply I was touched by the timely visits of my friend, Ethel, and my sister, Elaine, who came to see me in order to say goodbye. My niece Colleen's phone call was so appreciated. My telephone chat with my niece, Laverne, was also a treat. My friends, Deb and Book, have supported me by taking care of my little dog, Zoe. My Prince George friends, Jay, Lana and Jeanettte, Marie and Phil, and my brothers Roy, Doug, and Allen have sent e-mails to wish me well. My friend and housemate, Fran, has encouraged and supported my decision, and has patiently endured the inevitable disarray caused by my move. She has also offered to drive me to the airport. I am so looking forward to seeing my son, Jeremy, in San Jose, as I make my way to Puerto Viejo and he returns to Canada. It is reassuring that my nephew, Colin, and his partner, Roberto, and a few new acquaintances are awaiting my arrival in Puerto Viejo.

I am very aware that I am 65 years old, and that most women my age are settling in where they're at, not uprooting themselves to move to a faraway developing country in search of that elusive and, perhaps, illusive new chapter in the books of their lives.

The choices I have made throughout my life have always seemed to be for "the road less taken". I have had some very unique experiences that have brought me untold joys and insights and pain, but at the cost of more homely experiences which give one roots and ties. Still, no regrets. I have found my self, as well as a few kindred spirits, somewhere along the lonely path that I have taken.

But enough of this reflection. I promise that my future posts will have lots of inforrmative and interesting details about the sights and scenes and people of Costa Rica.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

After a While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn

With every goodbye you learn.

(by Veronica Shoffstall)

Fore words on Moving Forward

2006-05-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

By now, you have all heard about my plan to go to Costa Rica for an undetermined amount of time. Thank you for your support of my decision and your best wishes for my journey.

Coinciding with the physical journey, it seems to me that I am experiencing an inner journey in which I am exploring and evaluating my values, my beliefs, my attitudes towards my own aging and mortality, my philosophy of life, my connections.

I am leaving behind an established home and most of my possessions. This process has taken a considerable amount of thought, time, energy and organization. It has also given me the opportunity to reconsider what is important to me. In so doing, I have realized that physical, tangible possessions do give me a sense of security and groundedness, and letting go of these possessions has, on the one hand, left me feeling rootless and roofless, On the other hand, this dispossession has released me, so that I can make my journeys with a sense of inner peace and freedom.

I have also come to realize the ultimate importance of family and friends. We have agreed to keep in touch, and I am assured that those of us who have met, touched and shared on a deeper level will never be that far apart, thanks to modern technology and to a spiritual connection that time and space will not diminish.

Since I was a child, I have written about the significant events in my life journey, recording the insights I have gleaned through my own experience of living or from the words of wise people who have been willing to share with others what they have learned about life. But, for the most part, my writing has been for me alone. I have always felt quite inhibited about allowing others to read about my thoughts and experiences, doubting the quality of my expression, the depth and meaningfulness of my experiences, and the reactions of others to my revelations. At this point in time, sharing my writing has become imperative. Goodbye to my inhibition. Hello to my blog.

Thus, this blog will have two purposes. First, it will serve as a medium for interacting with the important people in my life and sharing some of the more significant people, places and events I will experience during my time in Costa Rica. Second, and equally important, it will be a means of satisfying my own need to document the milestones and pivotal moments of my inner journey in a readable and durable format. My writing and pics will be interspersed with notable quotes and words of wisdoms from other people who have documented their own journeys.

I welcome your comments, queries, and reflections in return.

“A wise man once said nothing.” (Words on a billboard)

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one you in all of time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channels open…. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open…. No artist is pleased…. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time…. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive. Whether you choose to take an art class, keep a journal, record your dreams, dance your story or give each day from your own creative source, above all else, keep the channel open.” (Martha Graham to her student Agnes de Mille recorded in de Milles’ memoir, Dance to the Piper)

“If one never followed the call of the spirit or ventured into new worlds, how tiresome a place this would be. It is in the nature of the human to move on, to experiment, to look at the horizon, and wonder what lies beyond it.” (Barbara Wood. Green City in the Sun)